Deletions — 7/17/2019
"A Point In 7" by Itc deleted at -6.
"Cup of Coffee?" by CyrusBblue2399 deleted at -6. Feedback:
Avelon21: Consider adding a better transition from the second paragraph to the third. Also, I believe this is better as a forum post, rather than a full-on page…
"Serpent's Hand: Expose" by Omega Shenron and Dr. Patriarchy deleted at -5. Feedback:
(account deleted): There was a lot of name-dropping of various organizations for no discernible reason, the idea isn't that interesting, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what this document is supposed to be in-universe. I know you contacted me about reviewing this, and I'm sorry I didn't respond in a more timely fashion, but I am not a fan. -1
How can I fix it?
You could take a step back and consider what this document is supposed to be. It is ostensibly for members of the Serpents Hand, but uses scientific terminology and clinicla language that is very much not the purview of that organization. You could keep the language, but would need to make an extremely good case of why a bunch of mystically inclined weirdos would use it.
How can I improve the idea?
Articulate what the story that you want to tell is. I have read this several times and still don't get what this is about. There are so many different formats thrown together without any real cohesion that it's difficult to follow. The story itself seems like a rather generic "thing that causes a doomsday thing." Why should the reader care? What should the reader take away from this? It could be a vivid image, a sentence, something that they will remember after reading this.
Roget: I think the framework for something neat is here but it feels very jumbled and I'm going to echo the comments of it feeling unfocused and unclear where it fits in-universe. I would continue to plug away on it, there's the seed of something here.
I think the main fix here would be to add more content as I feel that you start to get a story going but cut it too short. It looks like you were going for something like the coworkers being affected by the pathogen but that happens too soon and without buildup there's no reason for the reader o feel anything. In addition, adjust the formal tone to be more informal, as this is intended for an audience of Serpents Hand readers and not the Foundation in-universe.
Chris_Ryker: Alright, so. To me, this is a good idea, but it doesn't really seem like something the Serpent's Hand would do, the whole technology and video thing seems a bit out of place for this side of the "genre" as when you go through most of the library, a lot of it is cryptic. Within this article, I see a lot of things that you would expect from the likes of UIU, GOC and the Foundation. From what I have seen, the Serpent's Hand is an umbrella term with a decentralized command of many splinter groups. Which these splinter groups mainly have some sort of "anomalous" powers of their own, hence why the GOC sees the Serpent's Hand as "KTEs". [WHEW RUN ON SENTENCES FOR THE WIN!] However, I do think this would be good as a tale on the main wiki, with more work added in of course, but that is just my take on it. Take this as you will. If you have questions, I will be willing to talk, but I myself, have ideas but absolutely have no clue how to get them laid out in the way I envision.